Everything I Thought I Knew… I Know Nothing

Taking a break from talking about the move, because frankly, I just want it behind me, successfully, done, and moving on in our new home. This in-between stuff is for the birds. Speaking of birds, we have to foster our chickens and roosters.

Being a homesteader and moving is hard. Being a homesteader and being homeless is even harder!

On to the life-altering discovery of this week.

For the last 2 1/2 years, I’ve been telling everyone I know to figure out their enneagram number. Once I discovered mine, it helped my marriage, changed my life, helped me figure out things about myself – it was huge.

Until this week when I learned everything I thought I knew was probably not the truth.

Our friends who we do essentially every part of life with (faith, homesteading, parenting – they’re our country neighbors and fellow enneagram enthusiasts) loaned us some DVDs from Suzanne Stabille’s Enneagram Journey course.

We started watching them as she introduces the course (and the enneagram), moves through stances, triads, and numbers, etc.

The first course talking about stances started to knock my perception of the enneagram off balance. I thought I was an enneagram 4, which meant I would have been in a certain stance, but when she talked about that stance, I related a whopping zero percent. I related to a different stance entirely.

Then in the triad discussion (which are heart, head, or gut) I thought it would be obvious I was in the heart triad.

Oh, not at all.

When she started talking about the gut triad, feeling and responding to things or people from the center of your body – a literal gut feeling about everything – I started choking up. Everything she said was describing me to. a. T.

Fours aren’t in the gut triad, y’all. I. am. not. a. four.

My world started to unravel. The lens I’ve viewed life through for the last 2 1/2 years was now clouded and confusing. And while I’m still not 100% clear on this, because I’m a bit rattled by it all, I think… gulp… I think I’m an enneagram 1.

The Perfectionist.

In AN HOUR, the last 2 1/2 years of my life were dismantled and I went from being The Romantic to The Perfectionist.

A lot of how she described Ones resonated with me. Definitely I’m a list maker. I re-do work of people if I don’t like how they did it. (I re-fold laundry, I re-load the dishwasher, sometimes I won’t even let someone do something because I know they’ll do it differently than I will…)

I have a very strong conviction in right and wrong, and it matters to me greatly who is right and who is wrong (and mostly because I want to be the one who is right).

Ones tend to be morally convicted, have strong grounded beliefs and opinions, care about justice (and correctness) – and these are all things that reflect me, for sure.

But also there were things I did not relate to, and this is where it gets confusing.

Part of the reason I thought I was a Four is because crying is my spiritual gift. I cry at everything, always, I am quite emotionally expressive, and it does not take anyone long to figure out what I’m feeling – or at the very least, that I am definitely feeling something strongly in the moment. Ones tend to be more suppressive of immediate emotional response.

I am comfortable with sadness and pain. After everything we’ve been through, it seems a given that grief and sadness would be second nature to me. I love sad songs. Movies. Books. I’m not avoidant of deep, heavy content. I’m not made uncomfortable by the strong painful emotions of others.

I dwell on alternate situations or scenarios. I’m a dreamer. Reality is not necessarily fun for me, so I power through it so I can get back to daydreaming about how I wish reality could be instead. Ones tend to be more practical, serious natured people.

I’m only serious (around others) when I have to be. I can be serious – but I don’t like to be. I want to be the charming, funny, crowd-pleaser. If I’m serious, I like to be serious by myself. (Anyone else? Please tell me this makes sense…)

I think I’m practical, but it’s mostly only in my own boundaries of self-defined practicality. Definitive logic and reason are only pulled in to play when I know they’ll further prove my stance on something.

I think I’m a 1? I miss my 4-ness, because I related to that and invested myself in it for 2 1/2 years.

It’s almost like an identity crisis. I thought these DVDs would help me understand myself better (and the triad session really did – I felt liberated understanding I’m in the gut triad and that how I react and respond to things is legit) but I’m so confused.

The clincher about Ones is they have a strong inner critic. And I do – I have since I was a little girl. It’s a tell-tale sign of being a One. I thought my inner critic was just my emo-ness of being a 4. But I see now, the voice that has told me since childhood I’m a failure, a screw-up, I can’t do anything right, I should have done this differently, I shouldn’t even try to do that, etc… That voice is the vice of a One.

So. Yeah. Guys. What just happened here?

Do you know your enneagram number? And are you sure you know it? Because whoa – this is like learning about myself from scratch.

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