Sometimes You’re The Windshield

Sometimes you’re the bug.

I feel like the bug these last couple of days. Yesterday was a bad day. Today was a good day but I’m so exhausted, I cried just as much as if it were a bad day. When does the hormonal mood swing thing go away, by the way? That’s so pregnant of me, and I’m not pregnant anymore.

I’m not pregnant anymore. But I’m supposed to be. For 4 1/2 more weeks even. Today I was scheduled to have a pregnancy check-up appointment. I had them booked out to today. Then after today I would have been going once a week, instead of every other week. Would have.

Now, I make trips to the NICU two, three, sometimes four times a day. I don’t sleep when, or how, I should. Sometimes I can’t sleep, other times I just choose to go to the NICU instead of nap. I forget to eat. I know, I can’t hardly believe that either. I pump every time I turn around. And washing those daggum cones….. I hate those cones.

I’m so tired. I’m so pissed (today) that I have to leave her at the hospital. Other times I’m so glad she’s there, receiving such great care from the NICU staff. I go back and forth being scared about having her home and wondering what it will be like to not have her heart or oxygen monitored. I think I don’t get sleep now….I will spend all my time staring at her, making sure she’s breathing!

I was so tired after attempting to breastfeed her tonight, and giving her some kangaroo care, that I couldn’t stay awake long enough to stay there and give her her bath. The first night in two weeks I haven’t been there for her bath time. I had to leave so I could come home and eat something and get my butt in bed. I didn’t want to leave her. I never want to leave her.

These are the days I have when I break down and Brent just grabs me and holds me and lets me cry. I was so busy being strong and adjusting to everything being new, that I didn’t have time to wonder about the what-ifs or be frustrated with the situation, or let myself think for more than two minutes about everything that’s gone on these last three weeks.

I probably shouldn’t be working. I’m still in some pain (but it’s manageable and it’s not severe ever, I promise), and I get so daggum tired. But every hour I’m not at work is an hour they count against my FMLA leave, which is one more hour I DON’T get to spend with Haley at home once she’s finally discharged. I just can’t stand giving up any more time than I absolutely have to. So I go to work.

This isn’t the blog you were expecting, I’m sure. It just sucks. And it’s hard. I’m not complaining, I’m just being real here. My daughter is getting excellent care, making excellent progress and meeting fantastic milestones. At the end of the day when it’s all said and done, however, this is the most taxing, exhausting life-experience I have ever been through.

Here’s hoping tomorrow will be more of a “windshield” sort of day.

One Reply to “Sometimes You’re The Windshield”

  1. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. *Hugs tight* As for the hormonal roller coaster…well that lasts long after pregnancy is over. I realized that with Christian, and now with Claire. It takes sometimes up to a year for your body and hormones to get *back to normal*. So don't be so hard on yourself. I think you are doing an amazing job. Your strength and faith is inspiring! You will bring Haley home before you know it. She is already growing in leaps and bounds and hitting milestones like no ones business! Having a c-section alone is exhausting, your body needs to heal. Momma, your maternal instinct is so strong that you are with that amazing little princess every moment possible. What a lucky girl she is to have a Mommy who loves her so much! Hang in there…you so can do this!

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