October was a little rougher for me than I remember it being previously. I spent the first half of the month preparing emotionally and otherwise for the memorial service Harlynn’s Heart was putting on for our community of bereaved parents.

Once the dust settled from the memorial, I was left with a lot of time to focus on what it really was to not have Harlynn with us. I allowed myself to “go there” in ways I hadn’t allowed myself to for whatever reason. It was emotional, but it was healing in a lot of ways. Having the freedom to just think of her in whatever ways presented themselves was freeing. Tender, even.

I posted some pictures and thoughts on Instagram, but for those of you who may not be addicted to interested in that app like I am, I thought I’d share those here. I used the hashtag: #rememberingHarlynn

I always appreciate being able to share her with the rest of the world – and these posts were a little peek into my heart of what goes through my head and heart when I’m especially missing her. Thank you for always letting me share. #rememberingHarlynn

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The last warm day of fall. The last mowing of the lawn before snowfall. The last activity of basking in sunlight before threat of frostbite. Today, these last moments linger with palpable weight on my soul. She isn’t here. My last moments with her were also my first. Those last, precious moments before we were forced to embrace our stark reality. And now, a new season knocks at our door. I don’t know the strength it bears. I don’t know the gentleness it may surprise me with. I don’t know what it holds. But I have to open the door. I have to feel it. Experience it. Live it. Until its last moments give way to yet another season. And while the seasons cycle and some experiences seem commonplace, there is always a wind that knocks me down. A shiver that shakes my core. A warmth that revives my being. A seed that brings new growth. Life will never be what it would have been, but it will be what God allows me to make of it. No matter the season, no matter the time, she will always be a part of it. She isn’t here, but she is. She always is.#rememberingHarlynn

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Last night I went to visit Harlynn and her angel nightlight put on a little show for me. God reminded me in order for light to shine, it overcomes darkness. We have been through some darkness since losing her, but we have also basked in the light. His light. He has overcome already, and no amount of darkness can snuff Him out. His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Harlynn helped me have that special reminder moment last night. xo #rememberingHarlynn

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Snuggled up on the sofa this rainy day under my favorite quilt. I’ve never liked the colors or even the pattern. But we received it as a gift when we went to Faith’s Lodge. It is a part of what we have to remember Harlynn. It keeps me warm. I love its weight. I love the memories it brings forward from our time at the lodge and the precious parents we befriended while there. Just as I wouldn’t have chosen this quilt for myself but have grown to appreciate it, I wouldn’t have chosen this journey in life. This path without Harlynn. But I have grown to appreciate her so much more. Appreciate her siblings and daddy so much more. I wouldn’t have chosen it, not ever, but I am strangely comforted by the weight I carry from it today. By the warmth her memory brings me. By the memories that flood my soul having to do with her. #rememberingHarlynn

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Yesterday we took a little seasonal spruce to her site. “A pumpkin for our Pumpkin” I kept saying. There is no season that sends me reeling so far or brings me comfort so tangible as autumn. I hate to love it some days. The truth is there is no season so beautiful. No season so vibrant. No season so breathtaking. Before life goes dormant, it gives everything it has to make beauty. To pour out everything it has of itself. To surround us and fill us with familiar comforts. This is how I feel about her. Before she died, she gave me beauty. Vibrance. Comfort. Then, in the same way the last leaf drops to the ground, she slipped away before I was ready. Fall. Sometimes I hate to love it.#rememberingHarlynn

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