My Struggle With “Awareness”

Among it’s various purposes, causes, and fulfilling the love of fall, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 15th of October, specifically, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I, as a bereaved mother, am aware of this tragedy of life every. single. day. This isn’t a time where I’m suddenly reminded of the heartache we experienced over three years ago. This isn’t a time where my eyes are opened to new information or developments in infant loss.

This is a time where I know hundreds of thousands of families across the globe are wishing they could change their story.

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Four years ago, we made the announcement social-media official, sharing Little Miss would be a big sister. We had no idea we would bury her baby sister six months later.

One in four pregnancies ends in loss. I didn’t know that until after Harlynn died. I assumed – as do so many other mothers-to-be – if you made it past the first trimester, you were good to go.

Miscarriage. Stillbirth. Trisomy 13. Trisomy 18. Anencephaly. LBWC. Preterm labor. Delivery complications. Uterine ruptures. Placental abruptions. Genetic abnormalities. Disease. Cancer. SIDS. The list is a long one, yet it’s still a list most people aren’t willing to acknowledge exists.

In 2016, continuing on from centuries before us, babies are dying. Thousands, every single year.

And yet we have a month of awareness. A month where sometimes, I feel as though we’re pitied for a time. “Let them drudge up their stories. November’s almost here…”

I struggle with the responsibility of raising awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. I don’t want to scare anyone. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I wish I still had my naivety. I wish I still thought healthy babies were a given once you were past the 13 week mark of pregnancy. More than that, I wish it were a reality rather than a naivety.

But it isn’t.

I don’t advocate simply for awareness. I don’t air my journey so anyone reading about it can simply be aware I’ve been through hell-on-earth. I don’t advocate for exposure or attention for myself.

I advocate for breaking the cycle. I advocate for praying for miracles. I advocate for doing whatever we find to do to prevent the death of babies. I advocate for research. I advocate for respect. I advocate for information and education and honesty.

Most of all, I advocate for other parents like myself, who are thrust into a world they couldn’t previously comprehend existed. I do whatever I can to ensure they get the care and compassion they need when their entire world has crumbled in an instant. I do whatever I can to make the medical community, funeral homes, social workers, coworkers, friends, family – aware of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs of these precious people who just lost their precious baby. I advocate for support and companionship.

If you understood 26,000 babies in the United States alone are stillborn – every. year. – what would that awareness spur within you? Unless you’ve walked through it, probably nothing. It’s another number. Another statistic.

Every year, however, 26,000 little hearts that were beating one moment, stop beating the next. That’s stillbirth alone. Add to it the thousands of other anomalies we lose babies from each year. It’s mind blowing. It seems impossible. Made up. Wrong.

But it isn’t.

Anyone who knows me knows our story. I’m one of the vocal ones. There are thousands of families each year who go silent in their story, however, because they don’t know how else to cope with it.

This October, and every month, I implore you to go easy on these broken hearts. If you can’t understand what these families have gone through, and will continue to go through, don’t place expectations or limitations on their journey. Be their advocates, not their adversaries.

This October, and every month, I pray you’d support pregnancy and infant loss research. I pray you’d support the ones who are trying to prevent these losses from happening, and those who know enough to call these possibilities to attention.

This October, and every month, I ask you to understand everyone you meet has a story. A journey. A struggle. Show extra kindness. Offer extra help. Be encouraging. Look through lenses trying to find ways to serve others, rather than through lenses focusing on flaws or imperfections.

This October, and always, be aware there are a lot of broken hearts in need of a gentle hand.

#rememberingHarlynn

October was a little rougher for me than I remember it being previously. I spent the first half of the month preparing emotionally and otherwise for the memorial service Harlynn’s Heart was putting on for our community of bereaved parents.

Once the dust settled from the memorial, I was left with a lot of time to focus on what it really was to not have Harlynn with us. I allowed myself to “go there” in ways I hadn’t allowed myself to for whatever reason. It was emotional, but it was healing in a lot of ways. Having the freedom to just think of her in whatever ways presented themselves was freeing. Tender, even.

I posted some pictures and thoughts on Instagram, but for those of you who may not be addicted to interested in that app like I am, I thought I’d share those here. I used the hashtag: #rememberingHarlynn

I always appreciate being able to share her with the rest of the world – and these posts were a little peek into my heart of what goes through my head and heart when I’m especially missing her. Thank you for always letting me share. #rememberingHarlynn

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The last warm day of fall. The last mowing of the lawn before snowfall. The last activity of basking in sunlight before threat of frostbite. Today, these last moments linger with palpable weight on my soul. She isn’t here. My last moments with her were also my first. Those last, precious moments before we were forced to embrace our stark reality. And now, a new season knocks at our door. I don’t know the strength it bears. I don’t know the gentleness it may surprise me with. I don’t know what it holds. But I have to open the door. I have to feel it. Experience it. Live it. Until its last moments give way to yet another season. And while the seasons cycle and some experiences seem commonplace, there is always a wind that knocks me down. A shiver that shakes my core. A warmth that revives my being. A seed that brings new growth. Life will never be what it would have been, but it will be what God allows me to make of it. No matter the season, no matter the time, she will always be a part of it. She isn’t here, but she is. She always is.#rememberingHarlynn

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Last night I went to visit Harlynn and her angel nightlight put on a little show for me. God reminded me in order for light to shine, it overcomes darkness. We have been through some darkness since losing her, but we have also basked in the light. His light. He has overcome already, and no amount of darkness can snuff Him out. His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Harlynn helped me have that special reminder moment last night. xo #rememberingHarlynn

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Snuggled up on the sofa this rainy day under my favorite quilt. I’ve never liked the colors or even the pattern. But we received it as a gift when we went to Faith’s Lodge. It is a part of what we have to remember Harlynn. It keeps me warm. I love its weight. I love the memories it brings forward from our time at the lodge and the precious parents we befriended while there. Just as I wouldn’t have chosen this quilt for myself but have grown to appreciate it, I wouldn’t have chosen this journey in life. This path without Harlynn. But I have grown to appreciate her so much more. Appreciate her siblings and daddy so much more. I wouldn’t have chosen it, not ever, but I am strangely comforted by the weight I carry from it today. By the warmth her memory brings me. By the memories that flood my soul having to do with her. #rememberingHarlynn

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Yesterday we took a little seasonal spruce to her site. “A pumpkin for our Pumpkin” I kept saying. There is no season that sends me reeling so far or brings me comfort so tangible as autumn. I hate to love it some days. The truth is there is no season so beautiful. No season so vibrant. No season so breathtaking. Before life goes dormant, it gives everything it has to make beauty. To pour out everything it has of itself. To surround us and fill us with familiar comforts. This is how I feel about her. Before she died, she gave me beauty. Vibrance. Comfort. Then, in the same way the last leaf drops to the ground, she slipped away before I was ready. Fall. Sometimes I hate to love it.#rememberingHarlynn


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